and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
