If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
