Where did you get a picture of my penis
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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