The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
