Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
