I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
