the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
