That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
