Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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