you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize