Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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