Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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