i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
