I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
