I'm gonna have a badass scar
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
