i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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