I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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