I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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