Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
