Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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