she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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