Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Randomize
