Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
