I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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