I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize