I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
