i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
