fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
