wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
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