Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
