I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
