She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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