listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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