You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
