what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
