i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
