Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
