Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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