I could make wine with my vomit
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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