she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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