Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
