Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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