i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize