He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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