I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
