Non-Jews are for practice
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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