I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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