sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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