Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
