i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
