My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
