Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
