she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize