I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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