I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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