I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
