Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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