Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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