Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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