Yo dont text me then not text me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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