Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize