Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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