Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
