We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
